I’ve been thinking lately about SIN – that old favorite device that pits the virtuous against the rest of us.
Growing up in the evangelical church, I was terrified of Sin – there was an overwhelming sense that there was nothing I could do to stop it – that it was always right there waiting to pounce on me. That no matter what I did, how much I tried to be a good person – there was always a sin following me around. We have all sinned and fall short of the glory of god afterall.
I’m involved in a lot of different faith communities at the moment, most centered around social media. In all of them, it doesn’t matter whether it’s a christian group, a secular self help group, or a witchy group – everyone seems to be stuck around making choices about their daily spiritual practices.
This question most often comes up around meditation – some people really struggle with it – but it also comes up around navigating the cornucopia of options out there for the spiritual seeker, which I chalk up to the plain old decision paralysis of the modern world.
Continue reading “Know what you want so you can chart your course”
For a long time this space has been In Secret Knots.
In Secret Knots was mostly focused around a specific brand of spirituality, specifically from a pragmatic Buddhist lens. Alas, all things change (including me!) and while I’m still highly involved and in love with pragmatic Buddhism, I’ve also branched out in a million ways, with so many new insights and spiritual ideas that no longer fit in the container of Pragmatic Buddhism (or anything really).
The Good Heretic is an idea I’ve been thinking about for quite some time.
Continue reading “the good heretic”
Depending on where I am at in my meditation cycle, I sometimes experience the weird phenomenon of time being a little smooshy. This weird feeling that right beside me is a totally different but entirely the same me having a parallel experience.
When I close my eyes and sink into meditation, my experience often is an immediate sense of release.
Almost right away I feel my body sink into itself, I feel my awareness fall into a floaty state that is almost close to being relieved. Relieved at not having to work so hard to process all my emotions and worries, like awareness is just taking a nice deep breath too.
The energetic tingles of concentration rise and as they do, so does – me.
The “me” that gets a little too excited.
The “me” that says “I’M SUCH A GREAT MEDITATOR THIS IS SO COOL!”
The “me” that starts trying to expand and push the experience
The grasping me
The trying me
The overachieving me
The me that’s not ok with the present moment just as it is. The me that’s always trying to make it better. The goal oriented, task master, self-improvement, striving for perfection me.
And then…
I become aware of this me and I watch –
Another me arises seamlessly from the first -, the not good enough me, the broken me, the fighting against imperfection me, the negative, pessimistic me.
…. and then further down the me’s spiral….
to the angry me
the sad me
the fearful me
the emotional, irrational, helpless, child me.
…. and then as the emotion peaks and the images of past hurts and fears and regrets swirl around and begins to feel like too much…..
I remember…
to breathe
to watch
to take refuge
in this moment
as it is
just as it is
without trying to change it.
And I tell myself to get out of the way –
and when I do the whole universe is right there waiting for me, with open arms, in it’s deep womb of equanimity, love, and perspective.
When I find myself in an argument, or stand in line at the store, or get stuck in traffic, or get angry at work – I remember –
to breathe
to watch
to take refuge
in this moment
as it is
just as it is
without trying to change it
And I find in any moment, no matter the context, when I step out of the way – there she is.
The great undulating universe, waiting to hold me in equanimity and love.
And while I rest in this abiding – I’m able to navigate difficulty with greater clarity of what must be done, greater consideration of others, and far less worry and anxiety.
This is my practice.
I silently train every day to get out of my own way to let the infinite tingle of universal love in.
the Good Heretic 