Tag: mindfulness

into / out of / through

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The best way to control cows and sheep is to give them a big, grazing field

Suzuki Roshi

I feel like all these silent meditation retreats have been excellent training for the next several weeks. In fact, in a lot of real ways I see all the same dynamics arising around me and inside of me as very similar.

It seems like it doesn’t matter if your isolation was a choice or not. However you’ve found yourself there, isolation forces you to sit alone with everything that makes you the most uncomfortable. The discomfort is a persistent melody, like a tune stuck in your head – you can try and drink it away, or eat it away, or drugs it away or anger it away – but it turns out to be an infuriating game of whack a mole. The truth, of course, is that it always has been – but in isolation, there is a deep and frightening realization of the truth that there’s no “doing” it away – that the old tricks don’t work the same way, or are just not available. There is nothing to do, nowhere to go, no productivity tricks to rid yourself of the powerful emotions. Just you and your discomfort that rises and falls – cresting and collapsing – like waves.

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Know what you want so you can chart your course

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I’m involved in a lot of different faith communities at the moment, most centered around social media.  In all of them, it doesn’t matter whether it’s a christian group, a secular self help group, or a witchy group – everyone seems to be stuck around making choices about their daily spiritual practices.

This question most often comes up around meditation – some people really struggle with it – but it also comes up around navigating the cornucopia of options out there for the spiritual seeker, which I chalk up to the plain old decision paralysis of the modern world.

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Mindfulness for fear and anxiety

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One of the great things about practice is that over time, you start seeing things more clearly.  At first for me this was great, I noticed I was growing the skill to see through the emotional layer of other peoples comments, to the truth of what they were saying.  When I found myself in arguments I noticed that sometimes I still got sucked up emotionally, but I had a new ability to pull out and get perspective and clearly see where they were hurting and what they were asking for.

So that’s great.

Unfortunately, with outward clear seeing also comes inward clear seeing – and one day I realized that I was clearly seeing my anxiety and fear in a much different way.  I realized that I had been existing for quite a while in a bit of a soup of fear and anxiety – low grade and pervasive.  As if there was always something that was making me uneasy or fearful.

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Get out of the way

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When I close my eyes and sink into meditation, my experience often is an immediate sense of release.

Almost right away I feel my body sink into itself, I feel my awareness fall into a floaty state that is almost close to being relieved.  Relieved at not having to work so hard to process all my emotions and worries, like awareness is just taking a nice deep breath too.

The energetic tingles of concentration rise and as they do, so does – me.

The “me” that gets a little too excited.  

The “me” that says “I’M SUCH A GREAT MEDITATOR THIS IS SO COOL!”

The “me” that starts trying to expand and push the experience

The grasping me

The trying me

The overachieving me

The me that’s not ok with the present moment just as it is.  The me that’s always trying to make it better.  The goal oriented, task master, self-improvement, striving for perfection me.

And then…

I become aware of this me and I watch –

Another me arises seamlessly from the first -, the not good enough me, the broken me, the fighting against imperfection me, the negative, pessimistic me.

…. and then further down the me’s spiral….

to the angry me

the sad me

the fearful me

the emotional, irrational, helpless, child me.

…. and then as the emotion peaks and the images of past hurts and fears and regrets swirl around and begins to feel like too much…..

I remember…

to breathe
to watch
to take refuge
in this moment
as it is
just as it is
without trying to change it.

And I tell myself to get out of the way –
and when I do the whole universe is right there waiting for me, with open arms, in it’s deep womb of equanimity, love, and perspective.

When I find myself in an argument, or stand in line at the store, or get stuck in traffic, or get angry at work – I remember –

to breathe
to watch
to take refuge
in this moment
as it is
just as it is
without trying to change it

And I find in any moment, no matter the context, when I step out of the way – there she is.
The great undulating universe, waiting to hold me in equanimity and love.

And while I rest in this abiding – I’m able to navigate difficulty with greater clarity of what must be done, greater consideration of others, and far less worry and anxiety.

This is my practice.
I silently train every day to get out of my own way to let the infinite tingle of universal love in.

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There is a common misunderstanding among the human beings who have ever been born on earth that the best way to live is to try to avoid pain and just try to get comfortable. You see this even in insects and animals and birds. All of us are the some. A much more interesting, kind and joyful approach to life is to begin to develop our curiosity, not caring whether the object of our curiosity is bitter or sweet. To lead to a life that goes beyond pettiness and prejudice and always wanting to make sure that everything turns out on our own terms, to lead a more passionate, full, and delightful life than that, we must realize that we can endure a lot of pain and pleasure for the sake of finding out who we are and what this world is, how we tick and how our world ticks, how the whole thing just is. If we are committed to comfort at any cost, as soon as we come up against the least edge of pain, we’re going to run; we’ll never know what’s beyond that particular barrier or wall or fearful thing…Ordinarily we are swept away by habitual momentum. We don’t interrupt our patterns even slightly. With practice, however, we learn to stay with a broken heart, with a nameless fear, with the desire for revenge. Sticking with uncertainty is how we learn to relax in the midst of chaos, how we learn to be cool when the ground beneath us suddenly disappears.

Pema Chodron
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It’s hard to explain the experience of mental space, and I’m still trying to find the right words to frame what the past few weeks have been like.  Every time I move to tell someone the effects on my mind from what I’ve been up to I find myself tongue tied – like a magical spell has been cast on me that prevents me from speaking succinctly about it.
So instead of attempting to describe the indescribable – I’ll settle for the how it appears in my physical space and relationships.  Here’s my morning this morning, before I even go to work – as an illustration of all the small ways things have changed and are still changing.

1) Wake up – remind myself where I am and what day it is and that I have to go to work
2) Inner debate about working out
3) Inner debate about meditating
4) Feet on Ground
5) Deep breath
6) pee
7) tell myself I need to decide if I’m working out or meditating
8) think of a million better things to do and how I could just space out online for an hour
9) realize that probably wouldn’t be the mindful option – set my intention to be mindful
10) put running shoes on
11) walk outside
12) start running, feel like dying, and forget out how out of shape I am
13) bring my focus back to my feet on the ground – pound pound pound – remind myself that this moment is what being alive is.  Feel grateful I can move like this.
14) walk home
15) Make the mistake of checking my work email on my walk home
16) start planning my work day even though it doesn’t start for 3 hours
17) Bring my attention back to my feet – I notice my weight on the ground again and remember I’m alive and young.
18) Feel gratitude
19) take a shower
20) go back to the work issue, rehearse in my head how to have a difficult conversation
21) mentally catch myself spinning out – allow myself as much time to rehearse as it takes for my conditioner to sink in (3 minutes if I’m following the directions on the bottle)
22) Rinse my hair and visualize the worry rinsing out of my head.  
23) Feel the hot water, and feel grateful for being alive and able to feel the hot water.  Spend a few moments deeply appreciating what an amazing experience hot water in the morning is.
24) Worry about work
25) boil water while worrying about a friend
26) remind myself I’m supposed to meditate
27) sit on the cushion
27) sit on the cushion – worry about that work thing
27) sit on the cushion – realize I haven’t been following my breath for what feels like forever.  Follow my breath again
27) sit on the cushion – hear my SO wake up
27) sit on the cushion – feel self-conscious
27) sit on the cushion – wonder if he’s still mad at me about that argument we had last night
27) sit on the cushion – go back to my breath
27) sit on the cushion – wonder if we’re ok
27) sit on the cushion – wonder if anyone is really ok.
27) sit on the cushion – go back to my breath
27) sit on the cushion – realize that no one is really ok, and we’re all just great storytellers
27) sit on the cushion – separate that sadness out and hold it in my mind space and look at it a little
27) sit on the cushion – oh yeah, breathing – right.
27) sit on the cushion – meditation over, open your eyes.
27) open my eyes – feel like a failure for losing concentration so easily
27) open my eyes – feel self-judgement
28) open my eyes – allow space for judgement, separate it out and look at it a little.  It feels heavy.
28) Deep breath – let it go, congratulate myself on sitting for 30 whole minutes today and allow myself to deeply feel that accomplishment.
28) make coffee
29) hug lover – smile warmly
30) feel love
31) return love
32) realize we’re all just doing the best we can, and that’s what it means to be alive.  Feel the calm energy of love and connectedness flow through me without getting caught up in a story of what I should do or how I should feel.  Just feeling.
33) get ready for work
34) get annoyed at one another for something stupid
35) fight a little over it
36) take a deep breath, remove myself from the wave of emotion and give myself mental separation from what he is saying.
37) let him fight if he feels like it until he gets tired, allowing him space for frustration, deeply seeing how this is not about me. Listen closely and with presence while continuing to watch my own emotions well up and drift by without getting caught in them.
38) smile, feel my feet on the ground, connect with that gratitude of being alive
39) let him know I hear his frustration and his pain, and want to help
40) Have a real conversation about fears and love and our dreams together
41) feel connected
42) hug
43) feel love and pure presence without a story of past or future
44) put my shoes on
45) that work thing again – go back to rehearsing
46) open the door and breathe deeply into the morning
47) appreciate being young
48) worry about getting old
49) appreciate being alive
50) worry about dying
51) appreciate being in love
52) worry if we’re ok
53) realize I’ve never felt so much gratitude or connectedness before
54) smile.
55) smile.
56) smile.