It’s hard to explain the experience of mental space, and I’m still trying to find the right words to frame what the past few weeks have been like. Every time I move to tell someone the effects on my mind from what I’ve been up to I find myself tongue tied – like a magical spell has been cast on me that prevents me from speaking succinctly about it.
So instead of attempting to describe the indescribable – I’ll settle for the how it appears in my physical space and relationships. Here’s my morning this morning, before I even go to work – as an illustration of all the small ways things have changed and are still changing.
1) Wake up – remind myself where I am and what day it is and that I have to go to work
2) Inner debate about working out
3) Inner debate about meditating
4) Feet on Ground
5) Deep breath
6) pee
7) tell myself I need to decide if I’m working out or meditating
8) think of a million better things to do and how I could just space out online for an hour
9) realize that probably wouldn’t be the mindful option – set my intention to be mindful
10) put running shoes on
11) walk outside
12) start running, feel like dying, and forget out how out of shape I am
13) bring my focus back to my feet on the ground – pound pound pound – remind myself that this moment is what being alive is. Feel grateful I can move like this.
14) walk home
15) Make the mistake of checking my work email on my walk home
16) start planning my work day even though it doesn’t start for 3 hours
17) Bring my attention back to my feet – I notice my weight on the ground again and remember I’m alive and young.
18) Feel gratitude
19) take a shower
20) go back to the work issue, rehearse in my head how to have a difficult conversation
21) mentally catch myself spinning out – allow myself as much time to rehearse as it takes for my conditioner to sink in (3 minutes if I’m following the directions on the bottle)
22) Rinse my hair and visualize the worry rinsing out of my head.
23) Feel the hot water, and feel grateful for being alive and able to feel the hot water. Spend a few moments deeply appreciating what an amazing experience hot water in the morning is.
24) Worry about work
25) boil water while worrying about a friend
26) remind myself I’m supposed to meditate
27) sit on the cushion
27) sit on the cushion – worry about that work thing
27) sit on the cushion – realize I haven’t been following my breath for what feels like forever. Follow my breath again
27) sit on the cushion – hear my SO wake up
27) sit on the cushion – feel self-conscious
27) sit on the cushion – wonder if he’s still mad at me about that argument we had last night
27) sit on the cushion – go back to my breath
27) sit on the cushion – wonder if we’re ok
27) sit on the cushion – wonder if anyone is really ok.
27) sit on the cushion – go back to my breath
27) sit on the cushion – realize that no one is really ok, and we’re all just great storytellers
27) sit on the cushion – separate that sadness out and hold it in my mind space and look at it a little
27) sit on the cushion – oh yeah, breathing – right.
27) sit on the cushion – meditation over, open your eyes.
27) open my eyes – feel like a failure for losing concentration so easily
27) open my eyes – feel self-judgement
28) open my eyes – allow space for judgement, separate it out and look at it a little. It feels heavy.
28) Deep breath – let it go, congratulate myself on sitting for 30 whole minutes today and allow myself to deeply feel that accomplishment.
28) make coffee
29) hug lover – smile warmly
30) feel love
31) return love
32) realize we’re all just doing the best we can, and that’s what it means to be alive. Feel the calm energy of love and connectedness flow through me without getting caught up in a story of what I should do or how I should feel. Just feeling.
33) get ready for work
34) get annoyed at one another for something stupid
35) fight a little over it
36) take a deep breath, remove myself from the wave of emotion and give myself mental separation from what he is saying.
37) let him fight if he feels like it until he gets tired, allowing him space for frustration, deeply seeing how this is not about me. Listen closely and with presence while continuing to watch my own emotions well up and drift by without getting caught in them.
38) smile, feel my feet on the ground, connect with that gratitude of being alive
39) let him know I hear his frustration and his pain, and want to help
40) Have a real conversation about fears and love and our dreams together
41) feel connected
42) hug
43) feel love and pure presence without a story of past or future
44) put my shoes on
45) that work thing again – go back to rehearsing
46) open the door and breathe deeply into the morning
47) appreciate being young
48) worry about getting old
49) appreciate being alive
50) worry about dying
51) appreciate being in love
52) worry if we’re ok
53) realize I’ve never felt so much gratitude or connectedness before
54) smile.
55) smile.
56) smile.
the Good Heretic 