conciousness – the Good Heretic

When I close my eyes and sink into meditation, my experience often is an immediate sense of release.

Almost right away I feel my body sink into itself, I feel my awareness fall into a floaty state that is almost close to being relieved. Relieved at not having to work so hard to process all my emotions and worries, like awareness is just taking a nice deep breath too.

The energetic tingles of concentration rise and as they do, so does – me.

The “me” that gets a little too excited.

The “me” that says “I’M SUCH A GREAT MEDITATOR THIS IS SO COOL!”

The “me” that starts trying to expand and push the experience

The grasping me

The trying me

The overachieving me

The me that’s not ok with the present moment just as it is. The me that’s always trying to make it better. The goal oriented, task master, self-improvement, striving for perfection me.

And then…

I become aware of this me and I watch –

Another me arises seamlessly from the first -, the not good enough me, the broken me, the fighting against imperfection me, the negative, pessimistic me.

…. and then further down the me’s spiral….

to the angry me

the sad me

the fearful me

the emotional, irrational, helpless, child me.

…. and then as the emotion peaks and the images of past hurts and fears and regrets swirl around and begins to feel like too much…..

I remember…

to breathe
to watch
to take refuge
in this moment
as it is
just as it is
without trying to change it.

And I tell myself to get out of the way –
and when I do the whole universe is right there waiting for me, with open arms, in it’s deep womb of equanimity, love, and perspective.

When I find myself in an argument, or stand in line at the store, or get stuck in traffic, or get angry at work – I remember –

to breathe
to watch
to take refuge
in this moment
as it is
just as it is
without trying to change it

And I find in any moment, no matter the context, when I step out of the way – there she is.
The great undulating universe, waiting to hold me in equanimity and love.

And while I rest in this abiding – I’m able to navigate difficulty with greater clarity of what must be done, greater consideration of others, and far less worry and anxiety.

This is my practice.
I silently train every day to get out of my own way to let the infinite tingle of universal love in.

delta-breezes:

Spencer Kirk | @spencer.kirk

Oneness

This morning I had a moment in meditation in which the birds outside the window were no longer outside the window but were instead inside of me. While the small one chirped I could not determine if I was causing it or not, it felt as if it was my choice for it to chirp, just like it would be my choice to dance or sing in my own body. When the raven cawed my jaw opened ever so slightly, but in meditation space it was as if my own beak was open to the heavens and I was pouring out a call to the wildness.

I then saw my body as an outline, through which I saw the wind blow and rivers flow, I saw trees grow and catch fire within me. I saw oceans swell and waves crash, and bison run. It was as if everything in the universe was pouring through me, and I was in part one with it, and in part merely stepping out of the way to allow it to pass without judgement or control.

the boundaries of who we are, and who we are not, are constantly more and more diffuse, and have never been defined. It’s just always been safer to assume a seperateness, a level of lack of control. But in reality (whatever that is) it’s clear that there is no separation. We are the rivers and the waves, the trees on fire, the mighty wind, and the birds singing their morning song outside of the window.

Tag: conciousness

Get out of the way