Tag: buddhism

the uses of imagination

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The psyche consists essentially of images. It is a series of images in the truest sense, not an accidental juxtaposition or sequence, but a structure that is throughout full of meaning and purpose; it is a ‘picturing’ of vital activities.  

CG Jung

Last year, towards the end of a 10 day meditation retreat with a well known teacher, I sat the Yaza.  The Yaza is an all night sit – from 10pm to 6am the next morning.  The intrepid leader leads the small group through a sequence of traditional sitting and walking meditation, maybe a break for snacks, and the always entertaining yaza march – in which all the yogis line up and march military style around the neighborhood.

Somewhere around 4am, after the march, I was sitting and was visited by an Angel.

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A mystic take on the concept of SIN

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I’ve been thinking lately about SIN – that old favorite device that pits the virtuous against the rest of us.

Growing up in the evangelical church, I was terrified of Sin – there was an overwhelming sense that there was nothing I could do to stop it – that it was always right there waiting to pounce on me.  That no matter what I did, how much I tried to be a good person – there was always a sin following me around.  We have all sinned and fall short of the glory of god afterall.

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Mindfulness for fear and anxiety

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One of the great things about practice is that over time, you start seeing things more clearly.  At first for me this was great, I noticed I was growing the skill to see through the emotional layer of other peoples comments, to the truth of what they were saying.  When I found myself in arguments I noticed that sometimes I still got sucked up emotionally, but I had a new ability to pull out and get perspective and clearly see where they were hurting and what they were asking for.

So that’s great.

Unfortunately, with outward clear seeing also comes inward clear seeing – and one day I realized that I was clearly seeing my anxiety and fear in a much different way.  I realized that I had been existing for quite a while in a bit of a soup of fear and anxiety – low grade and pervasive.  As if there was always something that was making me uneasy or fearful.

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Insights build

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I just finished up a 10-day retreat with Shinzen, which was pretty fantastic – though not as activating with experiences as previous retreats I’ve been on.

I did however, have a powerful experience of the nothingness and emptiness of self and all things, and I wanted to share the chain of insights that led me to there.

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Get out of the way

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When I close my eyes and sink into meditation, my experience often is an immediate sense of release.

Almost right away I feel my body sink into itself, I feel my awareness fall into a floaty state that is almost close to being relieved.  Relieved at not having to work so hard to process all my emotions and worries, like awareness is just taking a nice deep breath too.

The energetic tingles of concentration rise and as they do, so does – me.

The “me” that gets a little too excited.  

The “me” that says “I’M SUCH A GREAT MEDITATOR THIS IS SO COOL!”

The “me” that starts trying to expand and push the experience

The grasping me

The trying me

The overachieving me

The me that’s not ok with the present moment just as it is.  The me that’s always trying to make it better.  The goal oriented, task master, self-improvement, striving for perfection me.

And then…

I become aware of this me and I watch –

Another me arises seamlessly from the first -, the not good enough me, the broken me, the fighting against imperfection me, the negative, pessimistic me.

…. and then further down the me’s spiral….

to the angry me

the sad me

the fearful me

the emotional, irrational, helpless, child me.

…. and then as the emotion peaks and the images of past hurts and fears and regrets swirl around and begins to feel like too much…..

I remember…

to breathe
to watch
to take refuge
in this moment
as it is
just as it is
without trying to change it.

And I tell myself to get out of the way –
and when I do the whole universe is right there waiting for me, with open arms, in it’s deep womb of equanimity, love, and perspective.

When I find myself in an argument, or stand in line at the store, or get stuck in traffic, or get angry at work – I remember –

to breathe
to watch
to take refuge
in this moment
as it is
just as it is
without trying to change it

And I find in any moment, no matter the context, when I step out of the way – there she is.
The great undulating universe, waiting to hold me in equanimity and love.

And while I rest in this abiding – I’m able to navigate difficulty with greater clarity of what must be done, greater consideration of others, and far less worry and anxiety.

This is my practice.
I silently train every day to get out of my own way to let the infinite tingle of universal love in.

worlds on worlds in worlds

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Reality on top of reality….

I took this photo two weekends ago on a photo trip to Alabama Hills, here in southern california.  I was playing around with multiple exposures and my camera settings and ended up with this.  I love it’s dreamy quality, and ethereal-ness.  Sometimes when I see, hear, or read about things I’ll have a little zip in my energy, like all the right notes coming together to make a chord, that tells me that there is a truthiness to a thing.  This photo was like that.

My meditation sessions have begun to grow more bizarre and visual – and it’s also been intersecting with my dream life.  For a very long time I wasn’t doing that great at remembering my dreams upon waking, but lately they’ve been very real.  Bizarre, and not profound necessarily, but very visual and real.

My meditation has been likewise – I’m not necessarily having stereoscopic hyperreal imagery as if I was in a movie.  It’s more like the sense of the imagery, of the knowing that it’s there, with periodic splashes of a real visual sense of seeing.

That might make much sense – but what I see and sense is like this photo above.  Worlds laid on top of of worlds, reality on top of reality.  This is more of a sense of thing, a sense of what’s real.

In the past few weeks, despite lots going on in my regular life  (crazy work, trying to buy a house etc), when I’ve managed to sit down it’s been intense and highly concentrated fairly quickly.  This is surprising to me because I feel so scattered off the cushion.  It’s so interesting how consciousness doesn’t give a f* about what’s happening in your boring old life – no matter how UNboring you might think it is.

In that state, and then off the cushion I’ve been feeling a deep sense of what I can only describe as wobbliness.  Similar to the flicker I felt on my retreat, but instead of all of awareness flickering, it’s more just a weird feeling of wheeeeewhaaaaing and instability.  It’s a sense of pressing up tightly against the side of a bubble of reality, and trying to figure out what’s on the other side.

It sounds totally nutty, but yesterday I was walking around all day after meditation with this knowing that there was another whole world just on the other side of some indiscernible energetic barrier.  I know, it’s totally crazy.  In my defense though, it’s been a documented felt experience by other spiritual seekers, meditators, witches, shamen, magicians, monks, saints you name it.

So I did more research on these experiences and found a kinship with all sorts of other esoteric traditions.  And I feel less crazy now, but still slightly like Alice falling further and further down the rabbit hole.