the Good Heretic

It was difficult to get concentration steady – pulled away into thinking/fantasizing about various things.  I would feel the piti and concentration building in one part of my awareness, and also be thinking in another part of my awareness.  The concentration never quite got there.

At one point I justified it to myself and said it was ok, and I really shouldn’t worry about thinking or getting carried off from the object – that that was fine for this time.  I should name that naysaying voice something!

Insight was easier today, and my concentration clicked in a bit better once I started noting vs just following the out breath.  The triple noting still feels like too much, but I’m trying to give it a chance.

I find that in the rhythmic noting there are moments when I return to the downbreath and attention is pulled to multiple noting options – and other times in which attention isn’t drawn anywhere in particular, and I’m not sure what to note.  The more concentrated I am, the harder it is to find obvious things to note unless a car drives by.

However, in these instances I notice much more subtle experiences in my awareness than I would otherwise.  I noticed that even when there’s nothing large pulling away my attention, there are subtelties in my field of see/hear/feel that pique my interest.

Today I was drawn into see-space multiple times by abstractions – they varied between geometric patterns, and amorphous cloud like formations.  The cloud like formations felt energetically as if they were something more concrete, that was somehow being obscured – like looking at a seriously out of focus photograph.  There was also the standard light show of the nimitta – at some points instead of what I’ve come to recognize as the standard concentric circle nimitta, they lights morphed into almost a freeze frame waterfall.  Lights falling in a syncapated rythym.

I did a good job at noting those things and moving onto following the in breath, instead of sticking with them and getting carried away like I did last time.  So despite being annoyed by not feeling success in concentration, I think things are improving!

muchas metta,
Sophia

Yesterday I had to get up and on with my morning routine before our morning meditation phone session started, so I did my on meditation focusing on connecting with the shadow as a small way to celebrate the holiday.

Today I skipped the metta day to make up yesterday – and picked up yesterday’s concentration meditation.  Counting up to ten back down to one on the out breath only, transitioning into triple noting – for sense clarity, feeling state, and craving/aversion.

I’m good with concentration, I always slip right into it and connect with the first and sometimes 2nd jhana within the first 10 minutes or so.  The insight practice though I feel is like brain juggling, and is so much mental work that I feel like I lose my concentration flow.

I’ve been bad and keep letting the insight practice slip when vibrational energy experience takes over because I find that so much more interesting.  I’ve been better about simply noting those experiences like any other – but sometimes they are quite strong.

I had two interesting appearances pop up while noting however.  First, I noticed that there was a block this morning around getting deeper into concentration beyond the initial effort of 1J. I brought awareness around the edges of that block, and saw it in see space as a vibrational wall.  It was like white noise, and upon deeper exploration I sensed the emotions of anxiety and sadness within the wall.

I continued noting that experience as a see/feel, and as I did I saw a vision of myself.  It was more of a cariacature of myself from my middle school years – this vision version of me was very extreme – buck teeth, big glasses, crooked hair, weird clothes.  I sensed this vision connected to the concentration block somehow.  It was brought to awareness how protective I am of that vulnerable girl that’s still inside me that was so mistreated during those years.

I realized that she’s still living in my head, and that on many levels I haven’t fully let her go, and I remain protected with emotional blocks and walls as a way to protect this most vulnerable part of myself

Needless to say, I was pulled away into thinking at this point – but I felt that the insight was good even though it didn’t have to do directly with the three characteristics (or perhaps in a way it related to all of them?)

The meditation period ended, and I remained on the cushion for another 10 minutes to send some metta to myself and blast that white noise block with it for a bit.

I feel better, yet still contemplative –

muchas metta,
Sophia

Well, it’s been 6 years – I guess it’s time for me to come back here again.

I’ve always known that I operate in cycles – the joke I have with my boyfriend is that it’s my gemini rising.  Always interested in exploring new things and then bouncing back to default only to stretch out again and again in different directions.

There’s been so much that has happened to me since 2010 (obviously), and I’ve gone back through several cycles since then – like I do.

But here I am yet again, for the millionth time in my life, cycling back to my default of contemplation of the secret knots of the universe.  So my intention is to get back to documenting them, while the cycle continues.

My hope is for this blog to be rebooted as a documentation and practice log as I journey down my current path which remains fluid, but is mostly focused on deep concentration and insight meditative practice combined with all my other esoteric leanings.

There’s so much folding and happening at once, that I need a place to collect all these things together – hopefully someone else out there might benefit as well!

muchas metta –
Sophia

beauty-that-moves:

We have come to be danced
not the pretty dance
not the pretty pretty, pick me, pick me dance
but the claw our way back into the belly
of the sacred, sensual animal dance
the unhinged, unplugged, cat is out of its box dance
the holding the precious moment in the palms
of our hands and feet dance

We have come to be danced
not the jiffy booby, shake your booty for him dance
but the wring the sadness from our skin dance
the blow the chip off our shoulder dance
the slap the apology from our posture dance

We have come to be danced
not the monkey see, monkey do dance
one, two dance like you
one two three, dance like me dance
but the grave robber, tomb stalker
tearing scabs & scars open dance
the rub the rhythm raw against our souls dance

WE have come to be danced
not the nice invisible, self conscious shuffle
but the matted hair flying, voodoo mama
shaman shakin’ ancient bones dance
the strip us from our casings, return our wings
sharpen our claws & tongues dance
the shed dead cells and slip into
the luminous skin of love dance

We have come to be danced
not the hold our breath and wallow in the shallow end of the floor dance
but the meeting of the trinity: the body, breath & beat dance
the shout hallelujah from the top of our thighs dance
the mother may I?
yes you may take 10 giant leaps dance
the Olly Olly Oxen Free Free Free dance
the everyone can come to our heaven dance

We have come to be danced
where the kingdom’s collide
in the cathedral of flesh
to burn back into the light
to unravel, to play, to fly, to pray
to root in skin sanctuary
We have come to be danced
WE HAVE COME

~Jewel Mathieson