Category: Everything

I missed logging this one – it was on Saturday.

I was just about to head out to a wedding and had just woken up and decided on cancelling my sunday class and stayinig the night – so my head was all over the place in planning.

I tried to keep it even, and I would veer in and out of solid concentration, but all in all it didn’t quite land as well as I would have liked.

even so, it was still a better concentration than I was having just a few months ago so I’ll take it!

I was able to drop in pretty quickly this morning – maybe because I was still waking up after a night out.  I had pretty active dreams, so I’m not sure if that’s related either

Regardless, I was able to drop in fairly quickly and while the piti (energy) didn’t come on full and strong like it typically does, I fell into a weird trippy visual trance instead.

In the insight portion of practice image after image after image flashed in front of my eyes – various colors of mist, geometric formations, buddhas, a GIANT EYE opening that raised and intensified energy.  I saw waterfalls, standing stones, some sort of dwelling made out of natural materials.  For much of this I felt infused with nature, like I had a tree growing through my body (not in an intense no-self sense – just in a visual sense)

I recognize all these things as nimitta – but my nimitta seems to be changing.  For a long time I didn’t see anything while meditating.  On retreat I saw some trippy stuff, then went a long period not seeing anything, and then a month go back to dancing lights.  In the past couple weeks the lights have changed formation – instead of gauzy concentric circles they are waterfalls, geometric patterns etc with the occasional identifiable object (like a buddha) thrown in.  Today though was just off the hook

My whole noting practice today was “See/Pleasant/Not-Wanting”

Despite being fascinated with each individual image, I wasn’t particularly attached to them and just let them flicker through.  The flickered through so quickly, one after another. Some were interesting enough to pull me in for a moment, but most just wooshed by.  I felt like I was watching a film reel of random images.

I’m curious if this is another insight into impermanence, this time of see-space.

I love metta practice.

Today, for neutral people I was able to focus in on one of the gals at the grocery store that I see quite a bit.  She’s got a great smile and energy, and while I’m not close to her I find it easy to bring up metta for her.

I usually struggle to some extent summoning metta for friends/family, and other folks in the spectrum of the practice – but for some reason I’ve always been great with neutral people.  I’m not entirely sure what that says about me and my close relationships.  My boyfriend was not particularly amused by this discovery.

The sit didn’t start out easily though, as I was falling into metta based concentration I started to get seriously nauseous as the energy began to build.  So nauseous I thought I would have to stop sitting.  I did my best to treat it like any other intrusive sensation and refocus on the metta – and within a few moments the nausea went away.

What I was left with was a really beautiful metta state – a few visual formations of geometric patterns and seated buddhas.  I contunually dropped those formations and refocused on the metta state with relative ease.

I found on this sit it was really easy for me to stay with the one person for the whole sit, and to bring up and stay concentrated on the feeling of metta fairly consistently.  I touched into some of the deeper concentration states for a moment, and from a place of metta those states just felt so joyful.

It was interesting to note the moments that I slipped from metta practice into concentration practice, and I was actually able to discern the difference in feeling between those two concentration states.  I patted myself on the back for such great noticing, and then had to bring my attention back to the metta.

Great morning.

muchas muchas metta,
Sophia

Noting practice always leaves me feeling a little spacey while running through my day. The experience of recognizing that I’m just a jumble of sense experiences all mashed together into a physical being with no real “self"leaves me feeling a bit disconnected from what I’ve always considered myself.   While this detachment from my inner core loosens, I’m simultaneously experiencing sensory things in a much more intense way.  It’s all a little disconcerting.

Since I’ve only just gotten started I was a little concerned about what that might mean for my general sanity as I progress.  In particular, I suspect that I’m connecting to the idea of no-self in noting practice and part of me is a little scared of having a psychological break, or dissociation.  I got stuck for a while on what exactly the difference was between peak spiritual experience and psychological break- and if there even was a difference.

So last night I asked my therapist about it.  I’m lucky that I have a well renowned highly academic therapist who also happens to be a meditation and Buddhist practitioner – so she’s very supportive of my practice and helping me along – though she makes it clear that she’s my therapist and not my meditation guide!  Fortunately I have other supportive folks in those roles.

Anyways, I asked her what the difference was between a break such as dissociation, and the experience of "no-self”.

It took her a while to form her thoughts around the subject, but she finally landed on the idea that while dissociation happens in cases of extreme trauma as a way to dissociate from the present moment – the experience of no-self happens as a reaction to being connected so intimately with “everything” that the self dissipates into the cosmos.  In short, the no-self experience is unifying.

So the difference, in her option, is coming at the state through a desire to disconnect vs coming to the state through a desire to connect.

Based on experiences that others have shared, I’d say that this take resonates with me fairly deeply.  While cessation and no-self are still fairly terrifying thoughts, I’ll take this analysis as a comfort.

My off the cushion reports from the last few weeks are pretty intense – the more concentrated I’m able to get in meditation whether that’s through metta, concentration, or insight practice – the more interesting changes I’m noticing on the day to day.

Of late, as in perhaps the last week and a half, I’ve been noticing a much stronger empathic muscle.  This happened the same day I had a sit in which the hear space broke down into a “click click click” like individual frames on a film strip – which I assume was an insight into impermanence.

The energetic feelings on the day to day vary from mild/tolerable to nearly unbearable moments where I feel nauseous.  This happens all the time and at unsuspecting moments – though I do notice that if I intentionally “tune in” I can feel this intensely pretty much all the time.

Back to the empathy though.  I started to notice that the energy has an emotional flavor to it, which is really just the best way I can explain it – there’s a sense of tenseness, anxiety, excitement (very similar to anxiety), peace etc – I have already noticed these different states on the cushion.  Noticing them off has been a very interesting experience.

Especially interesting is noticing them off the cushion in relation to others.  At work, I’ll have conversations with people in which I’ll feel this piti/energy/whatever rise up, and have a flavor to it.  Each person feels a little differently (I’m assuming it’s their own unique set of emotional makeup and experience etc), but underneath it I’ve noticed there’s a distinct recognizable energy of emotion of the same frequency I’ve noticed while sitting.  I’ve noticed that despite what people say to the contrary, I’ve been able to fairly clearly pick up on the energy of their emotional state.  Maybe all this noting is working – and I’m able to better identify these subtleties.  Yesterday I was able to get confirmation on recognizing underlying anger in a friend who initiated conversation by saying out great everything was – and ended by complaining about how upset they were about something going on in the office.

The majority of the time I recognize there’s “something” there, but I can’t really unwind the specific emotion out.  It usually breaks down as an initial pass into either “anxiety” or “equanimity" then in see-space I’ll notice that I’ll sometimes have one of those cloudy formations flash with an energetic association I’ll recognize as something more specific – like anger, fear, joy, sadness, etc.

This is quite technical and in reading it back I sound like a total crazy person – but this is what’s happening, so I’m just reporting it like I see it.  🙂

It was difficult to get concentration steady – pulled away into thinking/fantasizing about various things.  I would feel the piti and concentration building in one part of my awareness, and also be thinking in another part of my awareness.  The concentration never quite got there.

At one point I justified it to myself and said it was ok, and I really shouldn’t worry about thinking or getting carried off from the object – that that was fine for this time.  I should name that naysaying voice something!

Insight was easier today, and my concentration clicked in a bit better once I started noting vs just following the out breath.  The triple noting still feels like too much, but I’m trying to give it a chance.

I find that in the rhythmic noting there are moments when I return to the downbreath and attention is pulled to multiple noting options – and other times in which attention isn’t drawn anywhere in particular, and I’m not sure what to note.  The more concentrated I am, the harder it is to find obvious things to note unless a car drives by.

However, in these instances I notice much more subtle experiences in my awareness than I would otherwise.  I noticed that even when there’s nothing large pulling away my attention, there are subtelties in my field of see/hear/feel that pique my interest.

Today I was drawn into see-space multiple times by abstractions – they varied between geometric patterns, and amorphous cloud like formations.  The cloud like formations felt energetically as if they were something more concrete, that was somehow being obscured – like looking at a seriously out of focus photograph.  There was also the standard light show of the nimitta – at some points instead of what I’ve come to recognize as the standard concentric circle nimitta, they lights morphed into almost a freeze frame waterfall.  Lights falling in a syncapated rythym.

I did a good job at noting those things and moving onto following the in breath, instead of sticking with them and getting carried away like I did last time.  So despite being annoyed by not feeling success in concentration, I think things are improving!

muchas metta,
Sophia

Yesterday I had to get up and on with my morning routine before our morning meditation phone session started, so I did my on meditation focusing on connecting with the shadow as a small way to celebrate the holiday.

Today I skipped the metta day to make up yesterday – and picked up yesterday’s concentration meditation.  Counting up to ten back down to one on the out breath only, transitioning into triple noting – for sense clarity, feeling state, and craving/aversion.

I’m good with concentration, I always slip right into it and connect with the first and sometimes 2nd jhana within the first 10 minutes or so.  The insight practice though I feel is like brain juggling, and is so much mental work that I feel like I lose my concentration flow.

I’ve been bad and keep letting the insight practice slip when vibrational energy experience takes over because I find that so much more interesting.  I’ve been better about simply noting those experiences like any other – but sometimes they are quite strong.

I had two interesting appearances pop up while noting however.  First, I noticed that there was a block this morning around getting deeper into concentration beyond the initial effort of 1J. I brought awareness around the edges of that block, and saw it in see space as a vibrational wall.  It was like white noise, and upon deeper exploration I sensed the emotions of anxiety and sadness within the wall.

I continued noting that experience as a see/feel, and as I did I saw a vision of myself.  It was more of a cariacature of myself from my middle school years – this vision version of me was very extreme – buck teeth, big glasses, crooked hair, weird clothes.  I sensed this vision connected to the concentration block somehow.  It was brought to awareness how protective I am of that vulnerable girl that’s still inside me that was so mistreated during those years.

I realized that she’s still living in my head, and that on many levels I haven’t fully let her go, and I remain protected with emotional blocks and walls as a way to protect this most vulnerable part of myself

Needless to say, I was pulled away into thinking at this point – but I felt that the insight was good even though it didn’t have to do directly with the three characteristics (or perhaps in a way it related to all of them?)

The meditation period ended, and I remained on the cushion for another 10 minutes to send some metta to myself and blast that white noise block with it for a bit.

I feel better, yet still contemplative –

muchas metta,
Sophia

Well, it’s been 6 years – I guess it’s time for me to come back here again.

I’ve always known that I operate in cycles – the joke I have with my boyfriend is that it’s my gemini rising.  Always interested in exploring new things and then bouncing back to default only to stretch out again and again in different directions.

There’s been so much that has happened to me since 2010 (obviously), and I’ve gone back through several cycles since then – like I do.

But here I am yet again, for the millionth time in my life, cycling back to my default of contemplation of the secret knots of the universe.  So my intention is to get back to documenting them, while the cycle continues.

My hope is for this blog to be rebooted as a documentation and practice log as I journey down my current path which remains fluid, but is mostly focused on deep concentration and insight meditative practice combined with all my other esoteric leanings.

There’s so much folding and happening at once, that I need a place to collect all these things together – hopefully someone else out there might benefit as well!

muchas metta –
Sophia