Category: Everything

Lately, the theme I find brought to me most frequently to work with, is the theme of resistance.  In mindfulness practice I was taught that suffering = difficulty + resistance.  Difficulty alone is not suffering, the suffering comes from all the ways that we resist the difficulties that arise in our lives.

So what is difficulty exactly?  If feels like it should be an easy definition, but I found that once I started to peel back the layers, I was surprised by how many subtle places I find difficulty in my life.  The easily identified sources such as work and relationship challenges give way to more nuanced difficulties that I often find myself in denial of. Through meditation I’ve discovered new and dramatic things that I find myself resisting, and in discovering where that resistance lies, I’m slowly peeling back the layers of self-created difficulty based on fear, lack of confidence, and disempowerment.

In no particular order, this week I’ve discovered that I resist my creativity, I resist moving forward but I also resist staying put, I resist my own meditation practice, I resist growth, I resist raw emotion in others, I resist authenticity, I resist openly accepting love, I resist being fully independent, I resist my own power.

It’s eye opening to me the full spectrum of fear that wells deep within me, and has been coursing through my existence for my entire life.  Cycles and cycles around the sun, carrying with me a fear of truly being myself, a fear of deeply knowing and understanding myself and others.

I knew that I hadn’t spent the time on it, I knew that I had been so busy with various mind-numbing but thoroughly engrossing other things.  What I hadn’t expected was my surprise at how much I’ve been masking, how much I’ve been afraid to deeply see myself, how much fear there is in taking a deep breath, closing your eyes, and letting go.

It could take me a lifetime to work through, but each day I will chip away at the mask and inch closer to myself – knowing that even though I might not like what I find, the act of finding and seeing and holding is closer to true than I’ve ever been in this lifetime.

I’ve been thinking about Atheism a lot lately.  Not agnosticism, which I understand, but Atheism, which I do not understand.  It’s just far outside of my realm of experience, and I would like to know more about how those who identify as Athiests see the world.

It goes back to a conversation I had with some of my friends about science v religion.  There was a Lawyer/Computer scientist, a PhD chemist, a Microbiologist, an Environmental Engineer…. and me, the lone crazy wolf.  I felt like the token crazy person on a sitcom.

We had just visited the Museum of Jurrasic Technology, which we all found amazing but in different ways.  They appreciated the weirdness of it, and the logical puzzle the place presents, in trying to figure out what is going on.  I appreciated the common tie between each exhibit in the museum about personal transcendence.  The way in which each personal story presented represented a way in which that individual was atttempting to transmute mundane existence into a higher level of experience.  For it’s part, the museum itself does the same to these oddball stories that are so obscure in their own right that they would just dissipate into the cob-webby corners of history without it.

I was fascinated by the stories of transcendence, and saw a common thread throughout the facility.  There were the obvious exhibits about religion and trying to reach god in various ways.  But there were the other stories, like the man who collected the decaying dice, and the theory of the planes of existence based on the bisection of a pyramid.  There are of course also the secret knots and the hunt for god through the study of magnetism.

Each one of the stories began with a mundane concept, like dice or a bridge, and tells the story about how the obsessive study of such a mundane thing, lead someone along to a kind of spiritual transendence.  Perhaps that’s not the intent of the museum, but that is what I took from it.

Later that night we had a discussion about transendence.   I thought for sure that this group would appreciate my take on it, since I am not opposed to science by any stretch of the imagination.  I actually am a firm believer that the two do in fact exist in the same space despite their polarities.

I explained my theory that everyone regardless of their level of religious or spiritual beliefs experience, at some point in time, a moment of transendence.  A scientist watching a cell divide, an artist creating something they never thought possible, a lawyer having an “A Ha!” moment.  Falling in Love.  Babies and puppies and the first snowfall.  All those little magical tidbits that make life so wonderful I see as tiny pockets of transcendence in an otherwide grey and cold world.

I thought that this was a theory that most people would agree with, but was surprised when they explained that they didnt’ see any of these things as transcendental.  Snow is cold water falling from the sky, cells divide because that’s just what they do, we fall in love because of hormones and neurons firing off in our brains.  It’s not that they don’t find pleasure in these things, but that they attribute that pleasure to scientific principles.

I found this view of the world totally pessimistic.  But they aren’t unhappy people.  I’m trying to figure out what gives here.  Is there some sort of magic that they are missing in their lives?  Perhaps it is a rhetorical issue, perhaps they have a problem labeling these moments with a word that they see as so far divorced from logic.

I don’t understand why these things can’t exist at the same time.  I know that snow is just cold water.  I know that I fall in love because my brain is firing off electric impulses.  I’m not deluded, but I see these as evidence of something larger, and I suppose the difference between them and myself is that they just don’t.

My issue with athiesm isn’t the same issue that the hard-core religious might have.  My issue is one of smaller degrees.  The importance of religion in culture, the way that entire communities self-identify with religion.  I feel that the loudest athiest voices attribute all the problems in the world to religion, and refuse to see the positive place that religions around the world play to various cultures, and societies.  Religion is the glue that hold people together for good and for bad.  It gives people hope, and encourages them to push through tough times.  It’s true that it seems like religion more often than not is used as a tool for extremists, as a scapegoat for the media, but I feel like the positive role of religion and spirituality in marginalized groups all over the world has been completely discounted.

As a spiritual person of an admittedly extremely amorphous belief system, I seem to often be at the negative end of this debate.  My scientist friends all think I’m delusional to various degrees, and I have rarely spoken openly to them about my frame of mind, because I know that there is nothing I will be able to say to convince them that I am not delusional.  For a while I tried to argue until I realized the futility of it.  It’s like arguing with a born-again christian about Christianity.  There is no point in laboring over an argument that will never enlighten either side.

I feel that science is easy because of it’s quantifiable, observable, and predictible nature.  Spirit is hard, and complicated, and is so entwined in what it means to be human that in my view… it’s not going anywhere.  I think that the scientific community needs to concede that there will always be faith despite science, and to be respectful of spirituality.   I think that the religious communities of the world need to be more open in embracing the discoveries of science.  Spirituality should move like a river through time, and not grow stagnant.

Finding the edges where science and spirituality mingle together is truly transcendent.

One of the biggest complaints I hear from midwesterners who have migrated to southern california (and there are a LOT of them, you’d be surprised) is that there aren’t any seasons here.  I admit, I have been guilty of this myself.  Of course, if you get me started talking about how awful snow is I won’t stop until you give up and walk away.

Yesterday morning though, I felt that familiar twinge.  Folks who live in the midwest (and probably any other place that has real seasons) know what I’m talking about.  It’s not dramatic.  It’s very subtle.  The leaves haven’t changed, but there’s something different, a little spark.  The air is a little cooler, and everything is a little sharper.  The haze is on vacation.

It’s not a real season, but it’s close.  The clouds hung low over the city earlier this week like a cozy comforter, and when it was lifted up, there was fall, just hanging out.  It’s much more subtle here.  Tomorrow it will probably be 80 degrees, but I can still feel fall.

Maybe it’s because my body is just expecting fall to pounce around this time of year.  Who knows, but fall tapped on my shoulder this week and made me smile.

I haven’t updated in a while!  As far as the visions go, I have had things teeter back and forth, sometimes clicking into place and other times falling away.

At the time of the creation of my vision board, my garden was dying in the heat!  All my herbs and vegetables were turning brown, with dying leaves and wilting flowers.  I am happy to report that they have all rebounded, and in spades!  The basil and chard that I thought for sure was done for, are both going crazy with new growth.  We just ate our first tomato, and our green peppers are getting bigger every day.  It’s awesome!

One of my biggest life issues when I was creating my vision board was my feeling of security.  My job is constantly in flux (as all entertainment jobs are), never really knowing how long I’ll be working, and not making a whole lot doing it.  I’m concerned about financial stability in the midst of all that turmoil.  I had a bit of a breakthrough/breakdown, and shortly afterwards was offered a new position with a pay bump, which was just what I needed to feel a little more comfortable with my career.  I still don’t have a “real” job, but I have what feels like a little more stability, with definate opportunities to advance within the company, and I’m feeling a little better about it.

I have more to share, but it will have to wait while I finish up some freelancing work!  Have a beautiful sunday my lovlies.

This post has nothing to do with either oranges or antelopes.  I am am not particularly good with blog title lines.  Perhaps I will get better.

Last week we planted some stuff in the ground!  It was such a nice afternoon.

There have been some challenges since then, and I just got off the phone with some friends who are so amazing and insightful and always give me new ways to approach life challenges.

They recommended, as they often do when the discussion turns to things involving life planning, to set goals.  I always have been a big proponent of “having a plan”, breaking a big problem down into more maneagable bits.  Setting goals is a little different though, and I have to admit it’s something I have not necessarily been really great at doing.  I’ve always been more of the plan making type.

So talking with them about goal setting was really inspirational.  We talked about setting goals not just for specific external things like career advancement or travel or whatever but also for internal things.  Goals on how to be a better person.  I like the idea of sitting down and making a personal list of goals.  Things like:  I want to be the type of person that I would respect.  Goals for your values and morality.  Long term goals like releasing fears and short term goals like controlling your temper.  I have definately thought about these things and already basically have this list together, but I think it would be nice to really lay it all out.

Long term and short term goal list, for Sophia2.0.  Next time!

In my attempts to ellicit some extra connection with the natural world, my darling Mr.X and I started a little container garden.

By little I mean… green and orange peppers, big tomatoes, cherry tomatoes, habanero peppers, dill, cilantro, mint, basil, chard, garlic chives, and two types of pretty flowers.

It was great!  Mr. X and I don’t necessarily have the same spiritual belief systems.  But sometimes we find a way to come together in the middle.  His interest in environmental sustainability, and not wanting to spend any money on something he could get for free (or at least a small investment), and my desire to connect more with the earth dovetailed nicely into an afternoon in the garden.

Now I just get to wait until we have some actual vegetables!  We got plants that were already established instead of going the seed route, so it won’t be that bad.  Our big tomato plant already has a big green tomato on it!

I went out this morning and plucked all the flowers off of the herb plants to encourage them to grow more leaves instead of flowers, and I checked to see at what point the sun started hitting them in the morning.  We’ll monitor throughout the day to see how many hours of full sun they get, so we can move them if we have to.  They’re all in containers, so that will be easy.

And there you go.  My little moment of zen yesterday.