Author: goodheretic

More metta for difficult people on Saturday – it went well, and I found myself very much carried away into the metta jhanas.  Occasionally while I go up the ladder, I get to a point where I feel like my head is opening up and I’m climbing out of it and up into a place of great light and equanimity – J3 maybe?

So that happened which was great.

On Sunday we didn’t have prescriptive practice, so I chose to do a meditation in honor of the supermoon with the Moon card from my new tarot deck.  I had some intense visualizations of getting sucked into the card, then heading back to basic concentration.

Then as I climbed the concentration ladder I arrived at a woman reclining on a chaise, dressed in full renaissance garb, with a headdress occluding her hair.  She had no face, but was talking to me – one of those murmurs that you can’t make out.  My intuition told me that she was a guardian of some sort, but I’m not sure of what or if my creative mind is just being over dramatic.  I’m tempted to write it off as a crazy nimitta, though at the time the energy pulsed intensely, my heart started racing, and my breath went almost into full hyperventilation mode.

Then I popped up into J3 (or4?) which was light and bright and stable and felt like it went on forever.  It’s there that I experienced  bit of dissolution, with my body seeming to float away a bit out from underneath me.  Not a huge dissolution experience, it just felt like the start of one.

This morning’s sit was concentration coupled with insight into auditory hear space and the emotional and visual arisings that come from recurring thoughts.

I talked to my mentor last night about how I don’t have “clear talk” in my head during these practices – so I don’t have any voices talking to me that I can label as recurring thoughts or one-off thoughts etc.  I do have one caveat to that, which is that I do have a voice in my head that is seemingly tracking my meditation progress and giving me a play by play on how well I’m doing.  Outside of that however, I don’t find myself having any “clear talk” thoughts – often I’ll escape into visual images instead.

However, I do have incoherent murmurings – my mentor labeled them “subterranean murmurs” which I think is the perfect description of my experience.  It’s like hearing a TV on in the room over – you can tell someone’s talking but you can’t hear what they’re saying.  It’s coming from a deeper level of conciousness than I’m currently accessing – and it creeps me out a bit.

So what happens to me is that visual thinking takes over and I start seeing various things. I tried to take my only recurring clear thoughts down into emotional space, and didn’t get much out of that outside of feeling like I’d fallen deeper into consciousness.

In that space I started seeing images from the perspective of lying down.  I sensed I was outside on the grass though I didn’t see it.  I started to see flashes of mountain tops, and flashes of running through moss covered forests.  These things felt so deeply familiar, and I sensed they were connected to the images I saw last friday.  I doubt at this phase in my practice these images are attached to past lives – I dont even necessarily believe in past lives – but they felt so familiar it was the first experience I’ve ever had that gave me pause in my aforementioned doubt.  More investigation necessary.

I found it very difficult to rise from this state, and felt glued to the cushion.  It took me 15 minutes at least to be able to get up.

Well, this certainly couldn’t come at a better time – though it is advisable to not chose the MOST difficult person you can imagine since you still need to be able to connect with Metta.  I chose a difficult co-worker, I felt something not election related would be less distracting.

I came in and out of focus a few times, then popped in and out of Metta Jhana1, and hung out in MJ2 for a while as well.  I really managed to connect with the practice this morning better than last night.  I’m assuming it was a case of getting good rest, and having the dust settle from the past few days a little bit.

I really needed that metta this morning.  I’ve been a bit distracted lately by concentration practice and the wild experiences I sometimes have – but the metta this morning just felt like such a comfort.

Grateful.

much metta,
Sophia

The past few days have been a whirlwind.  I wasn’t able to sit on election day, since I was standing in line at the poles (with Craig Robinson of the Office Fame! (true story)).

The evening was a blur of tears and whiskey – and I woke up the next morning with a vibration in my head and a pull to sit, for a long time.

I sat for an hour yesterday morning, and truly deeply sought refuge in my sitting more than I have had before.  It wasn’t about playing around in concentration states or having wild experiences – it was about simply taking refuge.  It was beautiful.

Last night I went to ATS and sat again with the community.  It was healing to sit with the larger group, and we did a metta practice for all sentient beings which was appropriate.  I was just so buzzed with emotion that I had a hard time staying focused, though by about 20 minutes in I was settling in.  I was also sleepy from staying up to late, so I was fighting that as well – but so happy to be with other people.

Despite my difficulty in focusing – it was such a powerful evening.

We spoke about the difference between action fueled by anger, and action fueled by compassion.  Action fueled by anger burns itself out quickly, while action fueled by compassion has a deeper well of fuel to burn – and it’s able to be sustained for longer periods of time.

We should not be passive, the buddha didn’t teach passivity.  We should reach down into our unending well of compassion and light a flame to burn us through the next 4 years, or god forbid 8 years.

We should connect in deep love with one another, vulnerable communities, and difficult people.  Connect with their suffering, as even those who oppose us suffer in their fear of the future.  Connect and feel compassion for the suffering of all beings everywhere, for the health of the planet, and the safety of the world.

Let that fire of compassion and connection burn, and resist.

Resist the greed, hate, and delusion.  Stand up in resistance against the destruction of our rights, our country, and our planet.

Connect in love, and resist.

This morning’s insight practice involved noticing each thought as it appears and labelling it as a one-off, or a recursive (repeated) thought.

This will eventually lead further into associating emotions in with the thoughts etc, but to start it was just identifying which were which.

The concentration portion was so/so – no one pointedness or strong piti this time.  I felt concentrated but not really “locked in” if that makes sense – I’d loose the breath count and then come back to it a few times.  I felt really concentrated on the breath, but counting felt like such a burden that I gave it up…. and got pulled away somewhere else.  So I guess it’s there for a reason.

In the insight portion I got super concentrated and really good at identifying when thoughts were coming up, but I kept forgetting the labeling aspect.  Instead I just labelled the emotional content behind them.  That seemed easier and more straight forward for me than noting whether or not it was a recurring or one-off thought.  Next time I’ll try and do better with sticking to the instruction.

I really discovered today how regularly I think in images.  For the most part the audio portion of my thought process was actually quite silent – but the visual portion of my thought process was making a strong showing. All the standard lights, swirly smoke, geometric patterns etc.  I also sometimes see myself sitting in the room, or see the cars drive by outside on the street.

In the Q&A after the meditation someone asked about visual thinking, and the response was that the majority of people think in auditory space they typically start there while teaching this technique – and save visual thinking space for later.

I love being an anomaly.

muchas metta
Sophia

I missed logging this one – it was on Saturday.

I was just about to head out to a wedding and had just woken up and decided on cancelling my sunday class and stayinig the night – so my head was all over the place in planning.

I tried to keep it even, and I would veer in and out of solid concentration, but all in all it didn’t quite land as well as I would have liked.

even so, it was still a better concentration than I was having just a few months ago so I’ll take it!

I was able to drop in pretty quickly this morning – maybe because I was still waking up after a night out.  I had pretty active dreams, so I’m not sure if that’s related either

Regardless, I was able to drop in fairly quickly and while the piti (energy) didn’t come on full and strong like it typically does, I fell into a weird trippy visual trance instead.

In the insight portion of practice image after image after image flashed in front of my eyes – various colors of mist, geometric formations, buddhas, a GIANT EYE opening that raised and intensified energy.  I saw waterfalls, standing stones, some sort of dwelling made out of natural materials.  For much of this I felt infused with nature, like I had a tree growing through my body (not in an intense no-self sense – just in a visual sense)

I recognize all these things as nimitta – but my nimitta seems to be changing.  For a long time I didn’t see anything while meditating.  On retreat I saw some trippy stuff, then went a long period not seeing anything, and then a month go back to dancing lights.  In the past couple weeks the lights have changed formation – instead of gauzy concentric circles they are waterfalls, geometric patterns etc with the occasional identifiable object (like a buddha) thrown in.  Today though was just off the hook

My whole noting practice today was “See/Pleasant/Not-Wanting”

Despite being fascinated with each individual image, I wasn’t particularly attached to them and just let them flicker through.  The flickered through so quickly, one after another. Some were interesting enough to pull me in for a moment, but most just wooshed by.  I felt like I was watching a film reel of random images.

I’m curious if this is another insight into impermanence, this time of see-space.

I love metta practice.

Today, for neutral people I was able to focus in on one of the gals at the grocery store that I see quite a bit.  She’s got a great smile and energy, and while I’m not close to her I find it easy to bring up metta for her.

I usually struggle to some extent summoning metta for friends/family, and other folks in the spectrum of the practice – but for some reason I’ve always been great with neutral people.  I’m not entirely sure what that says about me and my close relationships.  My boyfriend was not particularly amused by this discovery.

The sit didn’t start out easily though, as I was falling into metta based concentration I started to get seriously nauseous as the energy began to build.  So nauseous I thought I would have to stop sitting.  I did my best to treat it like any other intrusive sensation and refocus on the metta – and within a few moments the nausea went away.

What I was left with was a really beautiful metta state – a few visual formations of geometric patterns and seated buddhas.  I contunually dropped those formations and refocused on the metta state with relative ease.

I found on this sit it was really easy for me to stay with the one person for the whole sit, and to bring up and stay concentrated on the feeling of metta fairly consistently.  I touched into some of the deeper concentration states for a moment, and from a place of metta those states just felt so joyful.

It was interesting to note the moments that I slipped from metta practice into concentration practice, and I was actually able to discern the difference in feeling between those two concentration states.  I patted myself on the back for such great noticing, and then had to bring my attention back to the metta.

Great morning.

muchas muchas metta,
Sophia

Noting practice always leaves me feeling a little spacey while running through my day. The experience of recognizing that I’m just a jumble of sense experiences all mashed together into a physical being with no real “self"leaves me feeling a bit disconnected from what I’ve always considered myself.   While this detachment from my inner core loosens, I’m simultaneously experiencing sensory things in a much more intense way.  It’s all a little disconcerting.

Since I’ve only just gotten started I was a little concerned about what that might mean for my general sanity as I progress.  In particular, I suspect that I’m connecting to the idea of no-self in noting practice and part of me is a little scared of having a psychological break, or dissociation.  I got stuck for a while on what exactly the difference was between peak spiritual experience and psychological break- and if there even was a difference.

So last night I asked my therapist about it.  I’m lucky that I have a well renowned highly academic therapist who also happens to be a meditation and Buddhist practitioner – so she’s very supportive of my practice and helping me along – though she makes it clear that she’s my therapist and not my meditation guide!  Fortunately I have other supportive folks in those roles.

Anyways, I asked her what the difference was between a break such as dissociation, and the experience of "no-self”.

It took her a while to form her thoughts around the subject, but she finally landed on the idea that while dissociation happens in cases of extreme trauma as a way to dissociate from the present moment – the experience of no-self happens as a reaction to being connected so intimately with “everything” that the self dissipates into the cosmos.  In short, the no-self experience is unifying.

So the difference, in her option, is coming at the state through a desire to disconnect vs coming to the state through a desire to connect.

Based on experiences that others have shared, I’d say that this take resonates with me fairly deeply.  While cessation and no-self are still fairly terrifying thoughts, I’ll take this analysis as a comfort.

My off the cushion reports from the last few weeks are pretty intense – the more concentrated I’m able to get in meditation whether that’s through metta, concentration, or insight practice – the more interesting changes I’m noticing on the day to day.

Of late, as in perhaps the last week and a half, I’ve been noticing a much stronger empathic muscle.  This happened the same day I had a sit in which the hear space broke down into a “click click click” like individual frames on a film strip – which I assume was an insight into impermanence.

The energetic feelings on the day to day vary from mild/tolerable to nearly unbearable moments where I feel nauseous.  This happens all the time and at unsuspecting moments – though I do notice that if I intentionally “tune in” I can feel this intensely pretty much all the time.

Back to the empathy though.  I started to notice that the energy has an emotional flavor to it, which is really just the best way I can explain it – there’s a sense of tenseness, anxiety, excitement (very similar to anxiety), peace etc – I have already noticed these different states on the cushion.  Noticing them off has been a very interesting experience.

Especially interesting is noticing them off the cushion in relation to others.  At work, I’ll have conversations with people in which I’ll feel this piti/energy/whatever rise up, and have a flavor to it.  Each person feels a little differently (I’m assuming it’s their own unique set of emotional makeup and experience etc), but underneath it I’ve noticed there’s a distinct recognizable energy of emotion of the same frequency I’ve noticed while sitting.  I’ve noticed that despite what people say to the contrary, I’ve been able to fairly clearly pick up on the energy of their emotional state.  Maybe all this noting is working – and I’m able to better identify these subtleties.  Yesterday I was able to get confirmation on recognizing underlying anger in a friend who initiated conversation by saying out great everything was – and ended by complaining about how upset they were about something going on in the office.

The majority of the time I recognize there’s “something” there, but I can’t really unwind the specific emotion out.  It usually breaks down as an initial pass into either “anxiety” or “equanimity" then in see-space I’ll notice that I’ll sometimes have one of those cloudy formations flash with an energetic association I’ll recognize as something more specific – like anger, fear, joy, sadness, etc.

This is quite technical and in reading it back I sound like a total crazy person – but this is what’s happening, so I’m just reporting it like I see it.  🙂