I just finished up a 10-day retreat with Shinzen, which was pretty fantastic – though not as activating with experiences as previous retreats I’ve been on.
I did however, have a powerful experience of the nothingness and emptiness of self and all things, and I wanted to share the chain of insights that led me to there.
This morning I had an insight that some of the pent up stress and anxiety of my day to day life is manifesting as a bubbly, vibrating, ANNOYING energy. It’s not just showing up in my meditations where that is super distracting, but also just as I go about my day.
It’s weird to experience my to do list as a vibration, and my response to it is just to be annoyed with it – like it’s a mosquito just buzzing around my head.
Depending on where I am at in my meditation cycle, I sometimes experience the weird phenomenon of time being a little smooshy. This weird feeling that right beside me is a totally different but entirely the same me having a parallel experience.
Things have been pretty intense lately with my job. 11 hour days, full weekends etc – so I haven’t been up online as much as normal.
One of the other things that I’ve noticed in this grounding earthy pentacle energy is that I’ve very much switched into what my teacher calls a “downstream cycle”
When you tug at a single thing in the universe, you find it’s attached to everything else.
When I close my eyes and sink into meditation, my experience often is an immediate sense of release.
Almost right away I feel my body sink into itself, I feel my awareness fall into a floaty state that is almost close to being relieved. Relieved at not having to work so hard to process all my emotions and worries, like awareness is just taking a nice deep breath too.
The energetic tingles of concentration rise and as they do, so does – me.
The “me” that gets a little too excited.
The “me” that says “I’M SUCH A GREAT MEDITATOR THIS IS SO COOL!”
The “me” that starts trying to expand and push the experience
The grasping me
The trying me
The overachieving me
The me that’s not ok with the present moment just as it is. The me that’s always trying to make it better. The goal oriented, task master, self-improvement, striving for perfection me.
And then…
I become aware of this me and I watch –
Another me arises seamlessly from the first -, the not good enough me, the broken me, the fighting against imperfection me, the negative, pessimistic me.
…. and then further down the me’s spiral….
to the angry me
the sad me
the fearful me
the emotional, irrational, helpless, child me.
…. and then as the emotion peaks and the images of past hurts and fears and regrets swirl around and begins to feel like too much…..
I remember…
to breathe
to watch
to take refuge
in this moment
as it is
just as it is
without trying to change it.
And I tell myself to get out of the way –
and when I do the whole universe is right there waiting for me, with open arms, in it’s deep womb of equanimity, love, and perspective.
When I find myself in an argument, or stand in line at the store, or get stuck in traffic, or get angry at work – I remember –
to breathe
to watch
to take refuge
in this moment
as it is
just as it is
without trying to change it
And I find in any moment, no matter the context, when I step out of the way – there she is.
The great undulating universe, waiting to hold me in equanimity and love.
And while I rest in this abiding – I’m able to navigate difficulty with greater clarity of what must be done, greater consideration of others, and far less worry and anxiety.
This is my practice.
I silently train every day to get out of my own way to let the infinite tingle of universal love in.
the Good Heretic 