Blocks

Yesterday I had to get up and on with my morning routine before our morning meditation phone session started, so I did my on meditation focusing on connecting with the shadow as a small way to celebrate the holiday.

Today I skipped the metta day to make up yesterday – and picked up yesterday’s concentration meditation.  Counting up to ten back down to one on the out breath only, transitioning into triple noting – for sense clarity, feeling state, and craving/aversion.

I’m good with concentration, I always slip right into it and connect with the first and sometimes 2nd jhana within the first 10 minutes or so.  The insight practice though I feel is like brain juggling, and is so much mental work that I feel like I lose my concentration flow.

I’ve been bad and keep letting the insight practice slip when vibrational energy experience takes over because I find that so much more interesting.  I’ve been better about simply noting those experiences like any other – but sometimes they are quite strong.

I had two interesting appearances pop up while noting however.  First, I noticed that there was a block this morning around getting deeper into concentration beyond the initial effort of 1J. I brought awareness around the edges of that block, and saw it in see space as a vibrational wall.  It was like white noise, and upon deeper exploration I sensed the emotions of anxiety and sadness within the wall.

I continued noting that experience as a see/feel, and as I did I saw a vision of myself.  It was more of a cariacature of myself from my middle school years – this vision version of me was very extreme – buck teeth, big glasses, crooked hair, weird clothes.  I sensed this vision connected to the concentration block somehow.  It was brought to awareness how protective I am of that vulnerable girl that’s still inside me that was so mistreated during those years.

I realized that she’s still living in my head, and that on many levels I haven’t fully let her go, and I remain protected with emotional blocks and walls as a way to protect this most vulnerable part of myself

Needless to say, I was pulled away into thinking at this point – but I felt that the insight was good even though it didn’t have to do directly with the three characteristics (or perhaps in a way it related to all of them?)

The meditation period ended, and I remained on the cushion for another 10 minutes to send some metta to myself and blast that white noise block with it for a bit.

I feel better, yet still contemplative –

muchas metta,
Sophia